“I felt guilty all the time. I felt guilty about eating, since I didn’t know if my daughter was eating. I felt guilty about sleeping, since I didn’t know if she was someplace safe that night.” – Nacole Svendgard, mother of Jessika
As difficult as it may be, taking care of yourself is vitally important. It will feel like the last priority; but in reality, it is the first. Your child needs you to be strong and healthy to help bring them home. This will seem overwhelming, even downright impossible. But you can try, one day at a time, to do the best you can for yourself and your family. In this chapter, we – as parents who have been in your situation – offer these hard-learned ways to protect your personal and family well-being.
Checklist: Regaining and retaining emotional and physical strength
The remembering part can be hard, but family and friends can help. You will feel out of time, space, and reality, but nourishment and rest are essential to keep you well enough to engage in the search for your child. If you find it difficult to sleep or eat, ask your physician for help.
Take a shower. Put on fresh clothes. Make your bed. Open curtains and blinds to let the light in. Accomplishing these things will help you meet each day with a clearer mind and be ready for action.
Keep a journal, talk with a friend, take a walk, exercise, cook, clean, or work on ideas for the search. There are so many ways to take action and stay connected; let trusted friends and professionals help you discover them.
They can prevent you from effectively participating in the search for your child. Moreover, these substances often induce or worsen depression and anxiety.
Speak to yourself as you would speak to your child. Think unconditional love, guidance rather than guilt, and possibility rather than punishment.
Remember that you are working to provide a home for your child to return to, and to provide resources for your family’s well-being.
Try not to let the stress of the investigation drive a wedge into your family life. While it’s human nature to be angry or hurt if others don’t respond to your child’s disappearance in the way you might expect,
avoid judging them. Focus on your needs and what you can do to help in the search for your child.
Seek professionals to guide these events if needed. Your family is worth every resource you can enlist to stay connected.
Avoid grim details, but tell them enough so they feel informed and can come to you with questions. It’s often what you don’t talk about with kids that scares them the most. “We had family meetings to discuss rumors and to give our children language to respond with if someone blurted out something hurtful,” Patty Wetterling recalls.
Retreat to places away from your home, where you and your other children can join friends and find relaxation away from the spotlight of the search and the media.
It will be difficult to balance time alone with time engaged with family and the search. Let people know where you are, physically and emotionally, so they can help you reengage if you feel drawn to isolate.
Yvonne Ambrose explains the trauma this way: “People diagnose us as having post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but there is no ‘post’ to the stress. The trauma is ongoing.” Don’t discount the intense psychological and physiological impact of what you are going through. Seeking professional help is not only a sign of your desire to be whole and strong for your child, but also essential to your survival.
You want to support their needs too, and this can make them feel a part of bringing their sibling home. In the chaos involving their missing sibling, they can feel neglected, even forgotten, and may be hurting in silence. Ask for support from friends, family, and professionals who can help you nurture your other children during this difficult time in life.
Bed-wetting, stomachaches, depression, anger, sullenness, quietness, and truancy are common reactions. Children, like adults, can have strong reactions to the disappearance of a loved one. On the contrary, some children may not show any change in behavior. An excellent resource, developed by OJJDP, is What About Me? Coping With the Abduction of a Brother or Sister, written by the siblings of abducted children.
Ask the school if they can bring counselors into the classroom to discuss the situation with the other children, and encourage them to share any questions or worries with trusted adults. You also can ask your law enforcement team to arrange for an officer to visit the school. They can pair up with school counselors to discuss how to stay safe, get help, and support each other by being kind and supportive.
The media may press hard to interview the family together, or even your other children on their own. But because they are dealing with significant worry, sadness, and uncertainty, be careful in exposing them to the media or allowing them to be at an event that could trigger psychological harm.
Trying to provide emotional support for everyone in your family can overwhelm you – especially since life seems to pile on multiple problems at once. Getting through this will truly “take a village.” Use your resources, ask for help, and seek professional support in caring for yourself and your family. “Try not to avoid other crises impacting your family while searching for your child,” says Elaine Hall. “My mom had cancer, and looking back, I wish I would have spent more time with her.”
Take comfort in things that calm your senses. Music, candles, or the aromas from cooking; reading books that uplift and strengthen; the touch or embrace of loved ones; a warm bath, shower, or a swim. You might try writing in a journal, getting outside to feel fresh air on your skin, and watching the sun rise or set. Spending time with your dog, cat, or other beloved family pet can lift your spirits, bringing comfort and smiles. Engaging in prayer, meditation, or a mindfulness practice also can renew your strength. Do whatever gives you comfort.
Set aside time for your missing child each day by making phone calls, writing letters or emails, working with your law enforcement team, or doing research – whatever it takes to stay connected and strengthen the search for your child.
FOR COUNSELING AND EMOTIONAL SUPPORT, CALL 988 OR VISIT 988LIFELINE.ORG
Supported by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, this lifeline is available 24/7 via call, text, and chat to help those who need crisis support – of all kinds. Callers have access to trained counselors who can help anyone experiencing emotional distress. People worried about a loved one in need of crisis support can also call 988.
Checklist: Reuniting with your child
Recovery can be a confusing and traumatic event for a missing child and the family. So planning for a safe and effective reunification can help greatly. Remember, though, that even after your child has been recovered, law enforcement’s work will go on as they continue their investigation. It’s important for you to remain available and involved to ensure they arrive at a conclusion in your child’s case.
This ensures any urgent problems are treated. It also allows for the collection of critically important DNA and the documentation of any evidence of physical harm and sexual abuse.
They may view law enforcement as a threat and fear they may be prosecuted for their activities during the time they were missing. Youth who are lured away from home may also want to protect the abuser, as they’ve been deceived and brainwashed into seeing them as their protector.
The selection of a suitable site for the interview, such as a children’s advocacy center, is extremely important. The tone and content of questions asked are also important in order to help your child feel safe in providing honest and complete information. If child advocacy and/or forensic interviewing services are unavailable in your community, have your investigator contact the National Children’s Advocacy Center at 256-533-KIDS (5437) or nationalcac.org.
In addition to Team HOPE services, NCMEC’s Family Advocacy Outreach Network (FAON) connects victims and families with mental health service providers in their communities who can provide brief, therapeutic intervention or long-term support on a sliding-fee scale or at no cost.
The Victim Reunification Travel Program, funded by the U.S. Department of Justice in partnership with NCMEC for IPCA cases, can assist left-behind parents in traveling abroad to participate in hearings and/or accompany their children back to the United States.
Meet Team Hope - and Become a Volunteer
Team HOPE, a project sponsored by the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, is composed of trained volunteers who have experienced the trauma of a missing or exploited child. They provide compassionate peer support to families as they cope with the myriad of issues involved in the search and recovery process for their missing child. Many of the parents who participated in writing this Guide have benefited from their assistance – and now volunteer for them. Call 866-305-HOPE (866-305-4673) or visit missingkids.org/gethelpnow/support/teamhope.
