Holidays and traditions can go from being days and events you cherish to things that bring uneasiness, sadness… even dread. But there’s a way forward—and it starts with communication.
Your family may have always celebrated certain holidays, traditions, and birthdays. But if your brother or sister is gone, holidays that you used to look forward to can now fill you with uneasiness, confusion, and even dread. You may feel selfish for celebrating. “How can we be happy and festive when they aren’t here? They’re out there, somewhere, and can’t get home.”
You may be worried about what to do when your missing sibling’s birthday approaches. Wondering if it’s wrong to celebrate their birthday is normal. And yet, we want you to know, it’s okay to honor them, to celebrate them. It can be positive and reaffirming of how much you, your parents, and your trusted friends love and miss them.
Similarly, deciding to celebrate other holidays can be a positive step, a way to acknowledge that life goes on, and a way to feel more like a “normal” family, even if just for that day. On the other hand, you or your parents just may not be “up” for a celebration right now. That’s fine, too.
Holidays are always emotional times for families—and the situation you’re all living through will make them even more emotional now. It may seem unimportant, but try to decide as a family whether or not you want to celebrate a given holiday when it’s approaching on the calendar. Maybe talk about it at family dinner night or another time when you’re all together. If you can’t decide what you want to do, think about what you don’t want to do and go from there. If you simply ignore a holiday or event, seeing others celebrate it all around you can make things worse, but deciding as a family and planning for other positive things to do together can help you get through the holiday in a healthier way.
“You are not alone. There are people you can trust, talk to, and have had similar bad things happen to them. Find light through the darkness. Find your purpose. Don’t stop believing good can come out of bad. Against all odds, there is hope. You can survive. More importantly, you can thrive!” —Sayeh
“The holidays are back. Hold your breath!” —Heather
“Every day is different, but each one is a blessing. Find your own happiness.” —Cory
Here are some resources that can help with holidays:
The American Hospice Foundation has some great suggestions on how to handle the holidays when you or your family are feeling grief, including Coping With Holidays and Family Celebrations.
The National Alliance for Children’s Grief has a super-helpful toolkit, Supporting Children Who Are Grieving During the Season of Family. This publication has thoughts and ideas for how to celebrate holidays when your brother or sister is missing.
The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) produced a resource for families titled Supporting Children and Teens During This Holiday Season. This resource offers caregiver strategies for supporting children and teens who have experienced trauma or loss during the holiday season as well as suggestions for acknowledging difficult emotions while creating moments of joy, hope, and connection.
However you and your family decide to handle holidays, here are actions that can help:
- Talk with your family ahead of time about what makes the most sense for the coming holiday. Remember, whatever you feel is okay. If you just can’t cope with a celebration, be upfront about it. You may want to talk to your parents about being somewhere else that day, like at a friend’s or relative’s house.
- You or your parents may not want to celebrate a holiday, but you may not want to spoil things for the younger kids. See if you can find a compromise between an all-out celebration and no holiday at all.
- Holidays can bring out all kinds of hidden emotions. Be prepared for that. Tell yourself it’s okay to take a break from the celebration if you become overwhelmed by feelings.
- You and your family may feel that it is too difficult to do the same things you usually do on a given holiday. Think about starting some new traditions and talk with your family about it. For instance, if you always have a certain meal, this year prepare something completely different—something new, delicious, and fun.