When Your Brother or Sister Is Home–A New Normal

Our greatest hope is that your brother or sister comes home quickly and safely. That was what we all hoped for. But when you read our stories, you will see this was not the outcome for all of us.

Sometimes a sibling is gone for a long time, sometimes they don’t come home, and sometimes they don’t come home alive. The hardest part in writing this Guide was facing the reality that the outcome may not be what you expected or dreamed of. We aren’t saying this to frighten you. We are saying this to be realistic and to let you know that we went through every possible scenario you can imagine. We know how hard it is and how painful it can be. Take one day at a time, one step at a time, and take care of yourself.

Use this Guide to help you any time you need it—daily, even hourly if it helps. Keep it with you and use the notes page at the end of every chapter to write or draw things you feel and things you want to remember to ask or do. You will get through this no matter how hard it may seem right now.

If you are happily reunited with your brother or sister, it will be a time of joy and celebration for you and your family. And while everyone will share in the joy, here are some things that are important to think about:

• Chances are you’ll have a lot of questions about what happened to your brother or sister. They may not be ready or able to talk about it—or they may want to talk all the time. Let them set the pace of the conversations. And remember that they have been through a terrible ordeal.
• Your brother or sister may seem different than before. They may seem distant and want to be left alone. Or they may pick someone to confide in—maybe another family member or a close friend. Don’t take it personally. Try not to feel left out or insulted. Give them the time and space they need to sort out their feelings.
• Try to pay attention to what your brother or sister needs from you. It’s okay to ask if there’s any way you can help. But don’t try to force information out of your sibling. Just as you needed others to respect your feelings, your brother or sister needs you to respect their feelings now.
• Even though you don’t mean to, your sibling may feel smothered by your affection or feel like you’re being overly protective. This may not be what helps your sibling right now or even in the future. Ask what they need and try to be patient. Let your sibling know you’re there to help in any way you can. And remember, the healing process may take some time.
• You may find that your sibling’s return stirs up a lot of feelings in you again. Ask your parents, a trusted adult, or a law enforcement officer who has grown close to your family for help if you need it or if you think your sibling needs help through the process.
• The media may gather around your family all over again. Talk to your parents and your sibling about what is best for the family. Remember, you don’t have to do interviews if you don’t want to. Take care of yourself and each other. This can be a very vulnerable time for all of you.

Unfortunately, and sadly, sometimes a missing brother or sister does not come home alive. This was the case for some of us. We sincerely hope that this is not the case for you and your family. But if this happens, we have some thoughts to share with you. Know that your family will probably be thrust into the spotlight once again. Know that law enforcement may again be present in your home and life. If you can, look back again at the media and law enforcement sections to help you through this time. Look at the family section to help you understand what you are going through, how this impacts your family, and how to get through it.

And most importantly, look at the taking care of yourself section and remember that:

• This is going to be an emotional roller coaster once again.
• It is important to be kind to yourself.
• Talk to someone you trust.
• Stay away from things that could hurt you and your family physically and emotionally.
• Tell people what you need.
• Don’t isolate yourself.
• You are not alone.

If you feel despondent and don’t know where to turn, call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, call the National Runaway Safeline at 800-RUN-AWAY (800-786-2929), or contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness Helpline via text at 62640 or call 800-950-6264.